Hi, Frank Deford! How are you? Oh OK. Yeah, I guess baseball games can go long sometimes. Ummm…haha…I guess you’re right, the players probably would be better if they spent less time dilly-dallying with those hussies with the cone bras. I mean, to be honest I don’t think Madonna is even dating A-Rod anymore? Sure. Yeah, I know. Kids these days. Mmhmm. Oh man, I am so sorry to hear about Billy stepping on your grass, everyday, like his mother never even taught him any manners or anything. I don’t know why they don’t bring milk in bottles anymore, Mr. Deford.
Heeeyyyyy, Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert? Would you mind coming by and helping me open this jar here with your BARE HANDS? I don’t want to be any trouble, it’s just that it’s been sitting here for years, and all I can do is sit and stare at it while my hands just crochet hundreds of miniature velvet pillows and doilies, LOL!
Me: “Ummmm….!!! Hahaha! I mean. Bad joke, I’m sorryyyy! I just am excited.”
DV: “Haha, just playin’. No seriously, thank you. I’m touched!”
Me: “Oh, wow. You are so welcome. So can I ask you a question?”
Me: “In the movie series of your life, there was one line from ‘Attack of the Clones’ that really bothered me.”
DV: “LOL, I totally know what you’re going to say.”
Me: “You, when you were still going by ‘Anakin’ and weren’t super-cool yet, no offense…”
DV: “None taken, I was pretty lame then.”
Me: “…ha! Anyway, you said the following to Padmé: ‘Your skin is soft. Not like sand. Sand is hard and unpleasant to be around. Not like your skin.’ I guess what I’m asking is: did you really say that?”
DV: *shudders, shakes mask* “No. I most definitely did not. Listen, those films are all right, but you know as well as I do that Episodes I-III got a lot of shit wrong. I try not to get all Dark Side about it, but sometimes it’s like, ARGH, you know?”
Me: “Tooooooootally. Totally. So can you give me an example of a romantic line you did actually use, with any degree of success?”
DV: “You make me feel a tremor in the Force. In my PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: “Ahhhh, ok. Disgusting.”
DV: “COME ON! That’s great. That’s top-shelf right there. Do I need to repeat it????”
Me: “AHHHHH! Haha no. No. OK, you’re right, it’s…sexy. For sure sexy. Moving on. My next question is a little more personal. When did you start to notice feelings of instability and impulsivity?”
Me: “I heard that you were recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. How has that affected your ability to use the Force for evil?”
DV: “Ohhhh, right! Listen. Those quacks can say whatever they want, and at the end of the day, they’re only jealous. They say ‘anger issues,’ I say ‘I will raise you off the floor by the throat, with my fist, and choke you to death and you will be dead.’”
Me: “Oh my gosh. OK. I think…I think I need to go? I think I forgot I possibly have something I have to be doing right now, like RIGHT right now? And it was, honestly, just SO awesome to meet you, love ya, etc!!!!!”
DV: “And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
Me: *running* “Haaaaaaa!! Good one. Good one. I would never be a Rebel, though!!!!!!! Never in a million years so like, don’t even think that’s a possibility! I am so sorry but I really have to go. Thanks though! Byeeeee!!!”
DV: [whispering] “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
Haha NYTimes, is that a rhetorical question in your title? Didn’t you just admit that she referred to judges as “black-robed masters?” (Michele can I please be your speechwriter? I’ve read all the Harry Potters, I think I could do a really good job.)
It’s just so funny, regardless of whether you’ve spent zero time or twelve hours or many weeks and months and years on any dating website. (If you haven’t before, I don’t think this website will be any encouragement that you should? I could be wrong. Some people like crazy people and humiliation. Probably some people like that.)
Katie:OMG the most embarrassing thing just happened to me.
Joyce:WHAT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH what is it? Tell me this instant.
Katie:Haha it's too much. You'll die. I swear. Literally you will fall over dead.
Joyce:Did you throw up in class? Did you pee your pants? Did you wear your shirt backwards? Did you have to introduce yourself in class, but accidentally say the name of the person next to you, like you actually did in real life that one time with that cute coffee boy? Did you and your friend talk about your crush very loud in class, and then he was right behind you, and he heard you and went "yeah RIGHT, grossssss!" ?? Did you fall over in the hallway, and then when you tried to get back up, you fell over AGAIN?! Did you laugh at something someone said, but kind of snorted and everyone looked at you weird? Did you tell your professor you thought he was a babe, because you were thinking it in your head and then just said it out loud by accident? Did you fall asleep in class and dream about sleeping with a Jersey Shore cast member again, and then when you woke up you were making inappropriate faces in front of everyone and they were all like "you will never have a public service career" ??
Katie:No, I was walking home from class in the rain and the wind blew and my umbrella turned inside out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joyce:OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(this is on behalf of my friend Joyce, who thinks that having your umbrella turn inside out is the MOST embarrassing thing that can ever happen to a human. EVER. also, that did happen to me today.)
Katie:I just found this abstract while researching articles to use for my research paper. I was researching abortion, so here's one that came up, obviously: "This article discusses the fate of a special class of child, the unborn, in the afterlife, as well as the gradual criminalization of abortion in Antiquity...Then it turns to depictions of the aborted in the Apocalypse of Peter and its late antique off spring to show how the aborted fetus gradually acquires a visible body and an articulate voice...." AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Rylee:Uh oh.... I guess one day we're going to have a ton of angry baby resurrects coming to get us?? Though are they going to look like adults...because in that case they could already be out there!!! Otherwise it would just be awkward to have a bunch of fetuses not fully developed crawling around trying to overtake the abortion centers. People would just be like WTF, you can barely crawl... and we would just like put them in a play pen and they would be like "NO!!!!! Our only weakness!!!" IDK