BG:I tell ya, Minnesota is the only state I've been in where it's sunny and rainy at the same time!!!
BG:One time I sat on one side of the street and it was sunny and on the other side of the street I could see the rain coming down like cow piss on a flat rock!!!!!!
ME:*wondering, 'Is that a thing?'*
BG:Yeah and I been to all the states except Alaska and Hawaii. I've even been to Canada. I TRIED to go to Mexico but then the Swine Flu broke out and I was like 'uh UH!'
BG:And if you think the weather is crazy now - my dad tells me stories about slow-moving storms...slow-moving winter storms...where he would just be WALKING and he'd literally race the storm home. One half of the street was blue and one half was white. You'd step in and out of whiteout conditions - couldn't see fucking NOTHING.
Me:*what is it with this guy and weather on two halves of streets?*
BG:And then my girlfriend has got some stories about crazy weather too...
Me:* "girlfriend" *
Then the bus came.
Then he left me alone.
Then he "called" his "girlfriend" on the bus and had a fake conversation with her. "Hi, it's me. I just landed. I mean, I'm on a bus. Yeah. I saw a girl who looked just like you here. Also really beautiful, but with red hair instead. YEAH I KNOW."
"Meanwhile, another viewer who seemed to be convinced by the video said, ‘Why is so difficult to all those people believe in UFOs images and videos like this? Almost 2 billion people believe in god and Jesus that never saw.. Its confuse.’"
No really, though. This is pretty good video, as far as UFOs go.
Sometimes I do things like take a sick day from work (haha, “work”…it’s an internship) because I do legitimately feel shitty but then realize that maybe I’m just tired and, okay, I’ll use this time to be REALLY PRODUCTIVE and catch up on graduate research and also write several chapters of a book. Maybe a YA series on sexy leprechauns, who knows. But then The Awl goes and posts a series of real-life ghost stories. And there goes my entire day.
This is a strange thing I wrote for Paper Darts, a Minneapolis literary & arts magazine which you should definitely check out as soon as possible. Buy literally twenty copies of every volume here. If you don’t, I don’t even know you anymore. You are dead to me. Haha just kidding. But seriously.
Talking About All The Sports, with Ball-lover Bill – AM 1700!
Hey-o there, listeners! It’s your buddy Ball-lover Bill here, ready to answer your questions and rebuke your declarative statements. We’re all sports fans, but I’m the only one of us who’s a sports EXPERT, so don’t you fucking forget it.
Timothy from somewhere on the East Coast called in to ask: “Do you think the basketball guys should take on that young basketball guy from a college?”
Good question, Tim. Look, the bottom line is that the basketball guys didn’t do as well as they would’ve liked to do this season. Ideally, they would’ve taken the NBA Championship. They really wanted to win all the games this year. So when we’re looking to the starting lineup for next season, the real question is: can the basketball guys do better with exactly the same guys, or would they maybe do a little bit better with the young basketball guy from the college? But also, what if they did a little bit worse with the young basketball guy? Ultimately, what it comes down to is this: things might be a little different with the young basketball guy, because he does a couple things that are a little different. But not that different.
Susan from a state that is pretty hot most of the time asks, “Is my football team going to win today?”
Excellent question, Susan. Thanks for calling. It’s weird that you’re calling because you’re a woman, but I’ll answer your question because I’m crazy about all the football.
The football team has got a real challenge against the other football team today because the other football team has won a handful of games in their last handful of games. The other football team has got some fairly huge guys on it that can smash into other guys pretty hard. But your football team has got some really big guys on it too. Both teams’ quarterbacks are throwing about 60% of passes completed, even though they both keep trying really hard to have even more passes completed. I think we can expect to see the football team’s coach yelling at his players a fair amount and being like, “EVERYBODY PLAY BETTER,” but what it really comes down to is: does this football team want to win today? They should want to win, because this is an important game for the team, in that it’s always good to win a game if you can.
Alex from the South sent an email saying, “The short guy is going to demolish the blond guy in car racing next week. You’re an idiot if you think otherwise.”
No, Alex, YOU’RE an idiot. You are such a stupid idiot. The blond guy is most definitely going to drive at least a little bit faster than the short guy next week, for two reasons. The first reason is that the blond guy drove pretty fast yesterday in some other race. The second reason is that I like the blond guy better. But look, the fact of the matter is that one of the two drivers is going to come out on top. Each of the drivers wants to beat the other driver, but unfortunately you can’t have more than one winner in driving competitions. Also, go fuck yourself.
Mike from a city I’ve never even heard of asks, “What do you think it’ll take for the pitcher to win tonight’s game?”
Hey Mike! Thanks for calling in. The pitcher has really got to buckle down and throw strikes if he wants to win tonight’s game. It’s probably ok if he slips in a few balls here and there, just so long as he doesn’t throw four balls to any one batter at one time. If he starts throwing four balls to a bunch of batters, then he’s really going to be in trouble. Strikes are better to throw than balls are, that’s what I always say. Tonight the pitcher also needs to make sure to not let anybody on the other team get any really good hits. Once a pitcher starts throwing pitches that the other team hits all over the place, it’s pretty bad. It’s hard to win a game when you are losing. So, if he wants my advice, the pitcher should throw all these super fast and crazy-good pitches so that nobody can even hit any of them.
Pete from Chicago writes, “Do you think the Cubs have a shot at taking the World Series this year? Or next year? Or even some years after that?”
Haha good one, Pete. Pete, you goddamn silly son of a bitch.
At first I thought I was getting pretty cool and popular because like five different people have liked various older posts of mine on here, and then I looked at them, and then I was like, “Haha, why do all these girls just have one post that is a picture of them in their underwear? Why do lingerie models like me so much? Why are these lingerie models so sad?”
Me Trying To Rationalize How The Angle of Anthony Weiner's Balls Shot Was Accomplished
Anthony Weiner and his chief of staff, Bob, are meeting in his home office.
Bob: “You’re on MSNBC at 8 and NBC at 9:15. Lunch with one of the Pharmacy Association guys. In the afternoon you’ve got a meeting with Energy & Commerce.”
Anthony: “Great, that’s great Bob. Thanks. Listen, I’ve got a quick favor. It’s not a big deal at all, just a little tiny thing.”
Bob: “Sure! What can I do?”
Anthony: “Let’s step into my bedroom, shall we?”
Anthony: “OK, phew, soooo much better! It’s so nice and quiet in here, the lighting is more flattering and soft. I just think it’s more comfortable. And I always want you to be comfortable around me, Bob.”
Bob: “I, uh…I appreciate that, sir. Thank you.”
Anthony: “I’m comfortable around you, that’s for sure! We’ve been working together for a while now. We’re practically best friends, wouldn’t you say? B…F…Fs.”
Bob: “Well, I uh, I think we do get along rather well, sir.”
Anthony: “Me too. For sure. For instance, I can see us having been great friends as young boys. You know, rough-housing. Horseplay. We would have gotten so dirty that we’d have to come back inside and just take off all our clothes, because they would have just been absolutely coated in mud!”
Anthony: “And I might just jump onto my bed, like some fun-loving and very innocent eight year-old, and you’d be running around at the end of the bed in circles, laughing. And I’d be like, ‘Let’s make believe that the bed is a fortress and you can’t climb up because you are a peasant and I am a prince!’”
Bob: “Mmm. Ha. Yep.”
Anthony: “And I’d be like, ‘Okay, pretend you’re admiring me, since I’m a prince! Pretend I’m up in my fort and you want to honor and admire me from afar!’ Like, the end of the bed would be the ground beneath the fort, so to speak.”
Anthony: “So then I’d toss you the old family camera, because you’d be like, ‘Your Highness, can I take a picture of you? It would be such an honor to have your picture!’ It would be so hilarious, you’d just be practically begging to take my picture. Even though I was still naked.”
Anthony: “I know that we still have those adventurous and wily little boys in us today, Bob. Because we are such good pals, you and I.”
Bob: “Sir, I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at.”
Anthony: “Bob, I need you to take a picture of my balls. And my dick, to be honest, but it would be best if you can focus on the balls. The balls are really the centerpiece here. The ‘prince’s crown,’ so to speak. Do you understand me, Bob?”
Bob: “I’m afraid I do, sir.”
Anthony: “L – O – L, Bob, what a sport. What crazy kids we are, huh? OK hang on, I’m just gonna pop in the bathroom for a sec – don’t stand near the door – and when I get back, let’s just goof off with that camera a little bit! Haha, omg, we are too funny. Toooooooo funny. ”
Notes: Anthony Weiner does not, to my knowledge, have a chief of staff named Bob. Also, I Googled “do congressmen go out to lunch with lobbyists sometimes?” as part of the research for this piece.
I tweeted about this yesterday (“ugh, shut up”) but this article is so so good. I didn’t even know how much I cared about jellyfish and what they’re all about until I read this!
Here are my three favorite parts:
1. “For all their noble antiquity, jellyfish have long been ignored or misunderstood by mainstream science, dismissed as so much mindless protoplasm with a mouth.”
- It’s like, ugh, I heard that, jellyfish!
2. “Adult jellies range in size from the Australian Irukandji, which is about the size of a fingernail, to the lion’s mane jelly, with a bell 8 to 10 feet wide and tentacles trailing 100 or more feet behind it.” [emphasis mine]
- WTF. My thoughts on this are a) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and b) wouldn’t that be a nice little bed? A jellyfish beanie bag. A beanie bag that glows and swims and floats. A beanie bag that could kill you in one second.
3. “Why stare fixedly toward the heavens? The researchers determined that the jellyfish look upward for navigational guidance. The animals live and feed among the underwater tree roots in murky mangrove swamps. Every night, they are swept away from the trees and sink to the muddy bottom of the open lagoon. Every morning they must return to the roots or risk starvation. They rise toward the surface and their upturned eyes scan the sky, until at last they spy the mangrove canopy, and they start swimming home.”
Who has two thumbs and is way super cooler than pretty much everyone? Probably the guy driving this truck I saw.
On the way to the grocery store today I saw a pickup truck with a bumper sticker that said “Road Head in Progress” and so far I haven’t been able to let it go.
I have so many questions.
1. Are you always this totally fucking badass???
2. What message do you hope that your sticker sends to law enforcement?
3. Do you even care about law enforcement, or do you live by your own laws?
4. What’s happening when your truck is parked and you’re not in it? Do I even want to know? It’s dirty, isn’t it.
5. So, how long ago did this project start? When’s it going to be completed? Aren’t you getting tired? Don’t you have other things to do? Where are you going? What are the answers? Tell me the answers to life’s biggest questions. Tell me your secrets.