today.

  • me: [link to Wikipedia page for obscure unsolved murders]
  • Chiara: ahhh
  • [2 hours later]
  • Chiara: hi
  • me: hi
  • Chiara: [link to Wikipedia page for different obscure unsolved murders]

What Type Of Ghost Will You Be?

Spoooooooky!

It’s happened probably upwards of a million times in my life that I’ve been getting ready to go out with a friend, and she, after spending awhile looking at her outfit in a full-length mirror, asks me to look at myself in it and tell her whether I think the mirror represents me accurately, so she can have a better idea as to whether the mirror represents her accurately. I always look, but I can never tell. I haven’t owned a full-length mirror since I was a teen. There are girls I know who are mirror connoisseurs and I thought I was born without this ability. It all looks the same to me.
But a week or two ago, I was walking into the bathroom in my apartment, and I noticed something. It was my butt. My roommate Chiara has a full-length mirror on the wall opposite her doors, but she typically leaves them closed, and I don’t consult it much. On this day, though, despite her not being home, her doors were open, so I caught my sideways reflection as I walked by them. And I was wearing tight exercise pants. And basically what happened is that I became paralyzed … by my own butt. Because it looked incredible. 
I’ve historically not had much (if anything, if even the slightest convex-ness) of an ass but I’ve been doing a lot of squats (not totally because of but not not because of that butt Instagram we all looked at for a few hours a few weeks ago) and I kind of thought that maybe my butt had grown 3-5 sizes in a matter of days without my noticing until I stood in front of this mirror in these pants. And it was EXHILARATING. But since then I’ve looked in some other mirrors, like at the gym, and while I think my butt looks, you know, fine to pretty good, I’ve determined that Chiara’s mirror is a Magic Butt Mirror rather than an unbiased reflection of the truth. This has not stopped me from checking it periodically, maybe too much, my butt Narcissus and the mirror, the pool. 

It’s happened probably upwards of a million times in my life that I’ve been getting ready to go out with a friend, and she, after spending awhile looking at her outfit in a full-length mirror, asks me to look at myself in it and tell her whether I think the mirror represents me accurately, so she can have a better idea as to whether the mirror represents her accurately. I always look, but I can never tell. I haven’t owned a full-length mirror since I was a teen. There are girls I know who are mirror connoisseurs and I thought I was born without this ability. It all looks the same to me.

But a week or two ago, I was walking into the bathroom in my apartment, and I noticed something. It was my butt. My roommate Chiara has a full-length mirror on the wall opposite her doors, but she typically leaves them closed, and I don’t consult it much. On this day, though, despite her not being home, her doors were open, so I caught my sideways reflection as I walked by them. And I was wearing tight exercise pants. And basically what happened is that I became paralyzed … by my own butt. Because it looked incredible

I’ve historically not had much (if anything, if even the slightest convex-ness) of an ass but I’ve been doing a lot of squats (not totally because of but not not because of that butt Instagram we all looked at for a few hours a few weeks ago) and I kind of thought that maybe my butt had grown 3-5 sizes in a matter of days without my noticing until I stood in front of this mirror in these pants. And it was EXHILARATING. But since then I’ve looked in some other mirrors, like at the gym, and while I think my butt looks, you know, fine to pretty good, I’ve determined that Chiara’s mirror is a Magic Butt Mirror rather than an unbiased reflection of the truth. This has not stopped me from checking it periodically, maybe too much, my butt Narcissus and the mirror, the pool. 

Tapestry and Grand Central Publishing made a very cute little slideshow from the introduction of my book!

Don't touch women and don't talk to them.

bobbyfinger:

Today’s best thing.