Q. “What are the rules for breaking up over the Internet?”
A. “Let’s just state for the record something that you know that I know that you know: you don’t ever break up with someone on the Internet if you can help it. Right? We’re on the same page? We’re talking about a star-crossed-lovers-type scenario, in which you’re not just, like, across the street from each other with mean parents but are literally hundreds or thousands of miles apart from each another, such that in-person meetings are impossible. RIGHT?
OK, I’m really glad that’s settled. Otherwise, I’d have to come by your house and kidnap you and tie you to a moldy raft and place you in the shark-iest area of the ocean, and that just raises all sorts of logistical issues that I’d rather avoid. You have to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend online, which I’m sure you feel REALLY BADLY about, so I’m sorry about that. The good news is that the chance you’ll have a drink thrown in your face is next to none, unless there’s been some technological development someone wants to tell me about. The bad news is that there is no good way to do this.”
- More from my FWD column here.
Also, pssst: email me your digital etiquette questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.