Today I’m very excited to be on The Rumpus’ “Funny Women” column.

Also one other thing about today is that I’m sunburned from sitting in the car. I drove back from Chicago (where I spent my 4th) to Mpls today and though I did not get one ounce of color while away on vacation, 30 minutes under the sun in a car turned me red. On my lower arms and thighs only. HOT.

The other other good thing is that I bought two packs of rainbow sparklers from a Wisconsin gas station for $2, because really we should all be celebrating America with fire EVERY DAMN DAY.

Two of them actually. I also shot a machine gun (not AT anyone, obviously!!!).

And when I was there, one of the instructors was all, “so what else do you write about?” And I told him, “Uh, mostly text messages.”

He said “Oh my god. My wife sent like, 3500 last month. And her friend sent TEN THOUSAND.”

And then I wanted to hug him.

Hahahahaha. Seriously why are you still talking to me. Hahahahahahahahaha. It doesn’t make any sense, because, like, you barely even texted me when it would have been appropriate to text me?! But…nowwwwwwww you want to?!?! ahahahahahahaha.

*builds an underground village for self*

That pretty lady up there swimming with a shark is my cousin, Mehgan Heaney-Grier (www.freediver.com). I wrote a semi-gushy fan letter about her on The Hairpin in honor of Shark Week.

I got to join in with the likes of Miss Manners and Dear Prudence to give my advice on when it is/isn’t ok to use your smartphone, in an article by the amazing Amanda Hess for Good.is, because analyzing texts like a maniac makes me an EXPERT. (Take that, MOM!) (Just kidding, my mother is very supportive of me all the time.)