Real Guys Who My Friends and I Have Wasted Real Minutes/Days/Months On

Gay Christian Guy

Almost-Stereotypically-Triathlete-Idiot-Jock Guy

Guy who Won’t Kiss for Six Months

Face-Infection Guy

Guy with Secret Girlfriend

Guy with Non-Secret Girlfriend

Guy who Has to Leave Frat Basement at Midnight to Do Homework

Gay Frat Guy

Guy who Everyone Refers to by First Name, Prefix “Dread”

Libertarian Guy

Guy with Little Control Over Bodily Fluids

Guy who’s Always Climbing Shit and Taking His Shirt Off

Horrifically Boring Guy

Moustachioed Merch Guy

Guy who Drunkenly Makes You Observe His Pitcher’s Stance

Underage Guy

Guy who Just Really Wants a Hand Job

Fucking Hipster Guy

Guy with Notebook Full of Reasons Why We Should Be Together

Guy with PowerPoint Presentation with Borrowed Quotes That Suggest We Should Be Together

Guy Who Knows Everything Except Apparently How Penises are Supposed to Work

Weed Guy

Terrible Guy*

*applies to basically all of them, really. 


My response to the Miss USA Evolution question video. I can’t tell if I’m even being funny. My brain is too confused from the original video.

This made my day, my weekend, my next week, and I think also maybe my life?

Bachmann boasts of having a 'titanium spine'

“‘I have a titanium spine for doing what we need to do’ to get the country turned around, Bachmann told Fox…” - CNN, 6/27/2011

Is Michele Bachmann a Transformer or just a Mad Libs enthusiast?

Other phrases for the 2012 campaign trail!

I have crazy eyeballs for seeing the environment and being like, “looks fine to me!”

I have secretive eyelashes for blinking coded messages to our allies!

I have synthetic lungs for breathing in freedom and breathing out democracy!

I have bionic legs for running away from immigrant-y looking people!

I have nuclear earlobes for hearing the whispers of terrorists when I visit public schools!

I have subterranean pockets for collecting federal funds when it suits me!

I have bloody wrists for getting rid of Obamacare and also, doctors! (yikes)

I have heterosexual arms for pointing at gay people and saying “STOP IT!”

I Have More Feelings About Text Messages

It will never stop, so long as phones keep texting and we don’t all just send our actual feelings through telephones. Mood-telephones. Could that be a thing???

As Seen on TV

Today I’m very excited to be on The Rumpus’ “Funny Women” column.

Also one other thing about today is that I’m sunburned from sitting in the car. I drove back from Chicago (where I spent my 4th) to Mpls today and though I did not get one ounce of color while away on vacation, 30 minutes under the sun in a car turned me red. On my lower arms and thighs only. HOT.

The other other good thing is that I bought two packs of rainbow sparklers from a Wisconsin gas station for $2, because really we should all be celebrating America with fire EVERY DAMN DAY.