Today I Am On The Hairpin

I wrote a story in which my period is a character who orders me to do things. Mostly, to shop. 

That menstruation-synchrony stuff is real

  • K: My body is trying to remind me at night that my hormones want a boyfriend. I had a dream that I was dating Ben from Parks & Rec, and then this OTHER guy gave me a flower when I bought a sandwich from him.
  • R: Well MY body is trying to remind me at night that my boyfriend hates me and never wants to see me again. I dreamt that I went to his house because I found his phone and his aunt was like, "Thanks, but he isn't coming out ever again."
  • K: Oh no, did you call him this morning? I thought I heard something.
  • R [eating waffles]: Ugh, yeah. It's just like, when I'm crying for two hours, all I want him to do is tell me that he loves me.
  • K: Mm-hmm. I know.
  • R [eating chips and salsa]: Also, last night when I woke up to pee I scared myself because I was like wandering to the bathroom with the lights off and I was like, 'what if this is like Paranormal Activity, and I'm not in control of my body' ?
You know how I feel about periods and shopping, but one thing I really love is when periods put grocery ideas in your head before they’ve even shown up. For instance: last night I was moved to purchase brownie mix and peanut butter chips, and I wasn’t even sure why until today. Nature. 
So right now there is this confluence of forces acting on my body and they are 1) menstruation (we are so past TMI on this blog, right?) 2) a cold and 3) Valentine’s day and so far today they have made me:
- refuse to get dressed.
- cry on the couch with Rylee about boys, but in the most pathetic way you can imagine (“Nobody will ever like me.” “That isn’t true.” “YOU ARE A LIAR.” “You have mascara on your forehead.”)
- consider watching a romantic comedy since I’m basically having a sick day anyway.
- cry THINKING ABOUT Beauty & the Beast.
- push my laptop off the couch onto the floor because I never have any fucking vowels in Words with Friends and it’s like, honestly, why is the world out to get me.
- feel emotionally connected with the wilting carnations on my coffee table.
- draw a picture of me about to spear a heart, decide the heart is too cute, decide to hug the heart, even though I hate it.

You know how I feel about periods and shopping, but one thing I really love is when periods put grocery ideas in your head before they’ve even shown up. For instance: last night I was moved to purchase brownie mix and peanut butter chips, and I wasn’t even sure why until today. Nature

So right now there is this confluence of forces acting on my body and they are 1) menstruation (we are so past TMI on this blog, right?) 2) a cold and 3) Valentine’s day and so far today they have made me:

- refuse to get dressed.

- cry on the couch with Rylee about boys, but in the most pathetic way you can imagine (“Nobody will ever like me.” “That isn’t true.” “YOU ARE A LIAR.” “You have mascara on your forehead.”)

- consider watching a romantic comedy since I’m basically having a sick day anyway.

- cry THINKING ABOUT Beauty & the Beast.

- push my laptop off the couch onto the floor because I never have any fucking vowels in Words with Friends and it’s like, honestly, why is the world out to get me.

- feel emotionally connected with the wilting carnations on my coffee table.

- draw a picture of me about to spear a heart, decide the heart is too cute, decide to hug the heart, even though I hate it.

breakfast and bear problems.

Today has been the kind of day where I cry because two of my four friends on this trip don’t want to go out for breakfast with me. (My period walks me over to the local breakfast cafe, crying the entire way.) It was mostly about other things but also in a tiny way it was about pancakes. Why do certain people not like going out to breakfast?? Not “brunch.” Just going out for a nice breakfast with coffee. How could you not enjoy that?

This afternoon we all went to Bearizona (haha aw) which is a drive-through wilderness park. We saw bison and “doll sheep” and black bears, and then a black bear literally walked IN FRONT OF OUR CAR. We all screamed. Throughout the park we listened to this audio guide, and the man on it said, “Kids, there’ve been reports of a Sasquatch sighting in the park - keep an eye out!” And I was waiting and waiting for a man in a Bigfoot costume to run across the path because that would have made my entire life. But he never did. And at the end, the audio guide told us the gatekeeper was a Sasquatch masquerading as a Bearizona employee and that we should growl at him (ahhh what?). So we did. And then he gave us stickers.

After that we went into the walking part of the park and saw a baby black bear being fed. An 8-week-old bear baby!!! The employee was feeding it from a bottle, and do you know how many people walked right up to her and touched the bear without even asking? Five. She kept saying “no touching, sorry,” and after each new person tried I got increasingly embarrassed for the human race. What’s our problem? Why do some of us just think that you can pet a BLACK BEAR just because it is small and cute? 

We walked over to the petting zoo part, where petting IS allowed, and this pig I liked kept running away from me when I tried to pet him. THAT is the kind of day it has been. Then we all stood together and watched one of the pigs shitting all over the place as a chicken ate directly from his asshole. So I don’t really know what animals’ problem is either.

In other news, my period bought me a package of Pinwheel cookies and the experience has been so thoroughly soothing that I cannot explain it.
"Ohhhh, I remember these," said the 70-year-old woman working the cash register. She held the package, eyes glazed over, pretty clearly being taken back to her (presumably pre-war) childhood.
Pinwheels: for grandkids, and the menstruating.

In other news, my period bought me a package of Pinwheel cookies and the experience has been so thoroughly soothing that I cannot explain it.

"Ohhhh, I remember these," said the 70-year-old woman working the cash register. She held the package, eyes glazed over, pretty clearly being taken back to her (presumably pre-war) childhood.

Pinwheels: for grandkids, and the menstruating.