Haha, Tim Pawlenty.  Good one.  Tim Pawlenty for Eagle-King Stars-and-Stripes Archduke of Freedom-Land, right?!  


Donald Trump – American-Born in 2012**

Birth Locations of Our Elected Officials

            I was born in the great city of New York, which happens to be the greatest American city to ever be built in America.  I believe that repetitive assertions declaring the greatness of the country in which our presidents are born is literally the most important thing they can contribute to the public good.  A vote for The Donald is a vote for America, in that mostly what I’ll be talking about is how I’m from here, unlike our current president, Barack Obama. 

            Now, I’m from New York City, America.  So I’ve seen the Statue of Liberty plenty of times, from the safety of my helicopter.  And while she may have the passage “Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” inscribed on her insides, she’s also a woman.  Don’t take that liberal mumbo-jumbo as some indication that non-Americans are actually welcome here, or that it wouldn’t be totally ridiculous to allow immigrants to run for president, because it would be.  That would be TOTALLY ridiculous, and you’re a communist for even implying otherwise. 

Jobs & the Economy

            Nobody knows more about jobs and the economy and the money and the things than The Donald!  I understand the American people.  I know they’re out there working hard and getting fired anyway.  I’m familiar with the firing because I fire at least one American worker a week on my hit TV show, The Apprentice, Sundays at 9 on NBC!  Furthermore, if anyone understands massive debt, corruption, and bankruptcy, it’s me.  But let me tell you another thing to consider: American dollars should be spent in America, on American goods, bought by American people who were born in America.  And you know who probably wasn’t born in America?  Barack Obama.  I’m not saying he for sure wasn’t born in America, but where WAS he born?  Because it sure as heck wasn’t America. 

Energy & the Environment

            Going green is important to me.  For instance, golf courses.  I’ve got four of those.  I’m completely pro-golf courses.  You can put that on the record!  However, as I flew down the east coast in my $100 million private jet the other day, I took in a great view of the Atlantic Ocean and thought to myself: do we really need all that water?  A vote for The Donald in 2012 is a vote for an end to this country’s relentless and needy dependence on water.  

            Another thing about oceans: another one we’ve got is the Pacific, which is where the great state of Hawaii is located.  As I pen this presidential platform (kidding! I’m having one of my personal assistants transcribe my thoughts in his own blood.), seven of the greatest hack lawyers money can buy are thoroughly searching the islands of Hawaii for evidence that the evidence that fully shows that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii is not actually evidence, but a government cover-up of the real evidence.

Same-Sex Marriage

            If we let the women start marrying each other, who will be left for me to marry once things go sour with Ivana?  I mean, Marla?  I mean, Melania?  That being said, I have nothing against the gays. 

            You know who isn’t gay (allegedly), but is still terrible?  Barack Obama.  He wasn’t even born here, and yet there he is: sitting in the Oval Office, pretending like he was legitimately elected by a “democratic majority.” Why won’t he just show us his birth certificate?  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to capitulate to paranoid hysteria, or like he already released all the birth information that he is legally allowed to release.  Well, I’m not buying it, and neither should you.

Vote for me, or you’re fired.  Seriously: I’ll have you fired from your jobs. 

**A statement from Mr. Trump’s campaign manager: Mr. Trump insisted on this campaign slogan to place a greater emphasis on the much-ignored controversy as to whether or not our current president was really born on American soil.  I know it sort of sounds like he’s saying he’ll be born in 2012, but I assure you that he was indeed born in 1946, and is therefore well above the age requirements for the presidency set forth by our Constitution, which Trump has definitely read in full, at least a handful of times.


*Endnote: I promise that, when I first wrote this, it was relevant. Stupid Donald Trump, dropping out of races he never entered in the first place, and shit. 

Me Trying To Rationalize How The Angle of Anthony Weiner’s Balls Shot Was Accomplished

Anthony Weiner and his chief of staff, Bob, are meeting in his home office.

Bob: “You’re on MSNBC at 8 and NBC at 9:15. Lunch with one of the Pharmacy Association guys. In the afternoon you’ve got a meeting with Energy & Commerce.”

Anthony: “Great, that’s great Bob. Thanks. Listen, I’ve got a quick favor. It’s not a big deal at all, just a little tiny thing.”

Bob: “Sure! What can I do?”

Anthony: “Let’s step into my bedroom, shall we?”

Bob: “Um.”

Anthony: “OK, phew, soooo much better! It’s so nice and quiet in here, the lighting is more flattering and soft. I just think it’s more comfortable. And I always want you to be comfortable around me, Bob.”

Bob: “I, uh…I appreciate that, sir. Thank you.”

Anthony: “I’m comfortable around you, that’s for sure! We’ve been working together for a while now. We’re practically best friends, wouldn’t you say? B…F…Fs.”

Bob: “Well, I uh, I think we do get along rather well, sir.”

Anthony: “Me too. For sure. For instance, I can see us having been great friends as young boys. You know, rough-housing. Horseplay. We would have gotten so dirty that we’d have to come back inside and just take off all our clothes, because they would have just been absolutely coated in mud!”

Bob: “….”

Anthony: “And I might just jump onto my bed, like some fun-loving and very innocent eight year-old, and you’d be running around at the end of the bed in circles, laughing. And I’d be like, ‘Let’s make believe that the bed is a fortress and you can’t climb up because you are a peasant and I am a prince!’”

Bob: “Mmm. Ha. Yep.”

Anthony: “And I’d be like, ‘Okay, pretend you’re admiring me, since I’m a prince! Pretend I’m up in my fort and you want to honor and admire me from afar!’ Like, the end of the bed would be the ground beneath the fort, so to speak.”

Bob: “Sure.”

Anthony: “So then I’d toss you the old family camera, because you’d be like, ‘Your Highness, can I take a picture of you? It would be such an honor to have your picture!’ It would be so hilarious, you’d just be practically begging to take my picture. Even though I was still naked.”

Bob: *coughs*

Anthony: “I know that we still have those adventurous and wily little boys in us today, Bob. Because we are such good pals, you and I.”

Bob: “Sir, I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at.”

Anthony: “Bob, I need you to take a picture of my balls. And my dick, to be honest, but it would be best if you can focus on the balls. The balls are really the centerpiece here. The ‘prince’s crown,’ so to speak. Do you understand me, Bob?”

Bob: “I’m afraid I do, sir.”

Anthony: “L – O – L, Bob, what a sport. What crazy kids we are, huh? OK hang on, I’m just gonna pop in the bathroom for a sec – don’t stand near the door – and when I get back, let’s just goof off with that camera a little bit! Haha, omg, we are too funny. Toooooooo funny. ”


Notes: Anthony Weiner does not, to my knowledge, have a chief of staff named Bob. Also, I Googled “do congressmen go out to lunch with lobbyists sometimes?” as part of the research for this piece. 

Jon Stewart. Tear. It. UP. 

Bachmann boasts of having a 'titanium spine'

“‘I have a titanium spine for doing what we need to do’ to get the country turned around, Bachmann told Fox…” - CNN, 6/27/2011

Is Michele Bachmann a Transformer or just a Mad Libs enthusiast?

Other phrases for the 2012 campaign trail!

I have crazy eyeballs for seeing the environment and being like, “looks fine to me!”

I have secretive eyelashes for blinking coded messages to our allies!

I have synthetic lungs for breathing in freedom and breathing out democracy!

I have bionic legs for running away from immigrant-y looking people!

I have nuclear earlobes for hearing the whispers of terrorists when I visit public schools!

I have subterranean pockets for collecting federal funds when it suits me!

I have bloody wrists for getting rid of Obamacare and also, doctors! (yikes)

I have heterosexual arms for pointing at gay people and saying “STOP IT!”