Haha, Tim Pawlenty.  Good one.  Tim Pawlenty for Eagle-King Stars-and-Stripes Archduke of Freedom-Land, right?!  

THE DONALD: ON THE ISSUES!*

Donald Trump – American-Born in 2012**

Birth Locations of Our Elected Officials

            I was born in the great city of New York, which happens to be the greatest American city to ever be built in America.  I believe that repetitive assertions declaring the greatness of the country in which our presidents are born is literally the most important thing they can contribute to the public good.  A vote for The Donald is a vote for America, in that mostly what I’ll be talking about is how I’m from here, unlike our current president, Barack Obama. 

            Now, I’m from New York City, America.  So I’ve seen the Statue of Liberty plenty of times, from the safety of my helicopter.  And while she may have the passage “Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” inscribed on her insides, she’s also a woman.  Don’t take that liberal mumbo-jumbo as some indication that non-Americans are actually welcome here, or that it wouldn’t be totally ridiculous to allow immigrants to run for president, because it would be.  That would be TOTALLY ridiculous, and you’re a communist for even implying otherwise. 

Jobs & the Economy

            Nobody knows more about jobs and the economy and the money and the things than The Donald!  I understand the American people.  I know they’re out there working hard and getting fired anyway.  I’m familiar with the firing because I fire at least one American worker a week on my hit TV show, The Apprentice, Sundays at 9 on NBC!  Furthermore, if anyone understands massive debt, corruption, and bankruptcy, it’s me.  But let me tell you another thing to consider: American dollars should be spent in America, on American goods, bought by American people who were born in America.  And you know who probably wasn’t born in America?  Barack Obama.  I’m not saying he for sure wasn’t born in America, but where WAS he born?  Because it sure as heck wasn’t America. 

Energy & the Environment

            Going green is important to me.  For instance, golf courses.  I’ve got four of those.  I’m completely pro-golf courses.  You can put that on the record!  However, as I flew down the east coast in my $100 million private jet the other day, I took in a great view of the Atlantic Ocean and thought to myself: do we really need all that water?  A vote for The Donald in 2012 is a vote for an end to this country’s relentless and needy dependence on water.  

            Another thing about oceans: another one we’ve got is the Pacific, which is where the great state of Hawaii is located.  As I pen this presidential platform (kidding! I’m having one of my personal assistants transcribe my thoughts in his own blood.), seven of the greatest hack lawyers money can buy are thoroughly searching the islands of Hawaii for evidence that the evidence that fully shows that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii is not actually evidence, but a government cover-up of the real evidence.

Same-Sex Marriage

            If we let the women start marrying each other, who will be left for me to marry once things go sour with Ivana?  I mean, Marla?  I mean, Melania?  That being said, I have nothing against the gays. 

            You know who isn’t gay (allegedly), but is still terrible?  Barack Obama.  He wasn’t even born here, and yet there he is: sitting in the Oval Office, pretending like he was legitimately elected by a “democratic majority.” Why won’t he just show us his birth certificate?  It’s almost like he doesn’t want to capitulate to paranoid hysteria, or like he already released all the birth information that he is legally allowed to release.  Well, I’m not buying it, and neither should you.

Vote for me, or you’re fired.  Seriously: I’ll have you fired from your jobs. 

**A statement from Mr. Trump’s campaign manager: Mr. Trump insisted on this campaign slogan to place a greater emphasis on the much-ignored controversy as to whether or not our current president was really born on American soil.  I know it sort of sounds like he’s saying he’ll be born in 2012, but I assure you that he was indeed born in 1946, and is therefore well above the age requirements for the presidency set forth by our Constitution, which Trump has definitely read in full, at least a handful of times.

———

*Endnote: I promise that, when I first wrote this, it was relevant. Stupid Donald Trump, dropping out of races he never entered in the first place, and shit. 

I cannot emphasize enough how much my stomach hurt after seeing this. There were tears. 

"What’s good…is to get these goats…for our computer industry."

How much are you going to spend on birth control from now until menopause?

"Just a few dollars." - Rick Santorum

It’s like a super fun, horrifically expensive online calculator game.

The 31 Male Republican Senators Who Voted Against Reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act - now with contact information!

John Barrasso (R-WY)

Roy Blunt (R-MO)

John Boozman (R-AR)

Richard Burr (R-NC)

Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)

Tom Coburn (R-OK)

Thad Cochran (R-MS)

John Cornyn (R-TX)

Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Mike Enzi (R-WY)

Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Chuck Grassley (R-IA)

Orrin Hatch (R-UT)

James Inhofe (R-OK)

Johnny Isakson (R-GA)

Mike Johanns (R-NE)

Tim Johnson (R-WI)

Jon Kyl (R-AZ)

Mike Lee (R-UT)

Dick Lugar (R-IN)

Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

Jerry Moran (R-KS)

Rand Paul (R-KY)

Jim Risch (R-ID)

Pat Roberts (R-KS)

Marco Rubio (R-FL)

Jeff Sessions (R-AL)

Richard Shelby (R-AL)

John Thune (R-SD)

Pat Toomey (R-PA)

Roger Wicker (R-MS)